I have a lot of recurring dreams. Some of them are good, and I always enjoy having them. The most common of course is a dream that I can fly. Yes, I have some sort of ridiculous Superman complex that probably should have been forgotten about when I was a little kid when for some reason, I thought that if I ran fast enough through the house and jumped on to my Grandma's bed that I could actually fly. Normally in my dream, I am in what appears to me to be Ann Morrison Park, and I am learning how to control the flight itself. I can't quite get it to work properly, much like the dreams when you are fighting someone, and your arms are stuck in slow motion while the rest of the world spins around like a fucking merry-go-round. Nonetheless, I am still flying and the feeling is so real and perfect that I am literally pissed off when I wake up and realize that I am still tethered to the Earth, cursing gravity. In my dream, I feel free.
I used to have my flight dream quite often until four years ago. I lived through two of the most painful experiences that I will ever endure, and whatever controls my dreams will never let me forget it. When Grandma and Grandpa died, it changed my world. Unfortunately, it seems as if I am incapable of dreaming about my Grandparents in a positive way. I don't have the luxury of reliving the good experiences that I had with them. I was there when Grandma took her last breath and that vision haunts me in my dreams. I can imagine someone thinking that reliving that experience in my dreams is my mind's way of just not letting me forget. Well here is a shocker... I'M NOT GOING TO FORGET IT.... EVER! I am tired of having all of these dreams reliving the experience, seeing it happen in different ways, and whatever sick ways that this experience gets rubbed in my face. In this dream, I feel like a slave.
I guess that life is all about checks and balances. A system of control. Sometimes, I think that the Wachowski Brothers have no idea how close they actually were to something big when they came up with "The Matrix". Everything requires balance. If one side of the coin is good, then the other must be bad. Positive or Negative. For every action, there is a reaction. These ideas have been instilled in us our whole lives. My dream of flying is my reality check. We all know that it will never be possible to slap on a cape and tights and shoot off into the sky. The reason that I can't control flight in my dream is because I am not meant to. It is not natural or possible. However, wishing to be super isn't a bad thing. It helps us to succeed in other areas. Dreaming of my Grandparents is also a reality check. I can't bring them back, and nothing else can either. I also can't control that they died in the first place. I consider this dream to be my mind's version of Smith and my flight dream to be Neo. They are the two sides of the coin. Two variables fighting to balance an equation. Maybe I could even go so far as to say that these dreams are fighting for control between good and evil in me.
I think that just maybe that connection to my family was right. I think that if I let my Grandparents' deaths consume me, then I would go crazy. I have felt the effects of it before. Maybe these dreams are just getting the crazies out.
